Consumed and lost.
So I never came back to revisit the dog days of summer. It seems as though everything in my life that could happen or go wrong did, but let's just say that I do believe that dog days were for the most part behind us. Well, that is until this week where we've had heat indexes in the hundreds, but as for everything there is a season...including the seasons. ( closest thing to humor I can manage at the moment)
I have had many, sobering, hard, thoughts, as of late. I am not exactly sure where it is all coming from, and I say as of late, but I suppose they have been there for a very , very, very, long time. I have just chosen to stifle them and try and be "that girl". You know, who that girl is right? The one that everyone else thinks you should be. The one that is always someone else's vision of you...but it's not you. Oh there are some sniplets that are you but mostly just hidden by other's perception.
Now that is not to say that I haven't stood against the wind with my fist in the air, puffed out my chest and flipped a literal finger at what anyone and everyone thought I should be. I certainly have had my moments. Even in the midst of the stormy journey of my life I have made my way pretty well. However , making my way...getting by...just doesn't seem to be enough any more.
I am so far from the 16 year old girl who had dreams that were so outlandish they seemed like a fantasy. Perhaps they were. My now older self has lost sight of what made her...her. Where has she gone? How do I find her again? Through my writing? Of course that is always going to be a vital tool in my reaching search. I do think that time and space are needed as well.
It is very hard to think and work on self when the needs of daily life and family constantly call, and what mom and wife do you know who puts herself before her family? I don't know any...so if you find one please have her contact me as I would love to interview her. As a woman we often forget to take care of ourselves and keep that part of us alive that is the fire in our soul. This neglect results in loss. Loss of feeling fulfilled, loss of purpose, loss of who we are besides, someone's mom, someone's husband, or someone's anything else but our own happy, healthy self.
So it is on this warm September eve that I have decided that I do need to go find ...me. I know, I know, what you are thinking...OMG...she is talking about finding herself.....what a douche pickle. Maybe I am. I used to hear people say that and just nod and then roll my eyes after they turned away. It wasn't until many lived years and many things later that I began to understand why many people do this. No one does it in the same way. So in the days, weeks and months to come, I will talk about my plan and even whether or not it's feasible. You never know, things could look completely different down the road, but this is the beginning. The plan...day 1.
I want to end with this...these are my thoughts, feelings, and ramblings. I am in no way suggesting anyone do or think as I do, nor am I putting down moms and wives.( or people who go on their own finding themselves journeys) I will never regret my decision to be a wife and mother, but I also have a pulling need to be more.
I have had many, sobering, hard, thoughts, as of late. I am not exactly sure where it is all coming from, and I say as of late, but I suppose they have been there for a very , very, very, long time. I have just chosen to stifle them and try and be "that girl". You know, who that girl is right? The one that everyone else thinks you should be. The one that is always someone else's vision of you...but it's not you. Oh there are some sniplets that are you but mostly just hidden by other's perception.
Now that is not to say that I haven't stood against the wind with my fist in the air, puffed out my chest and flipped a literal finger at what anyone and everyone thought I should be. I certainly have had my moments. Even in the midst of the stormy journey of my life I have made my way pretty well. However , making my way...getting by...just doesn't seem to be enough any more.
I am so far from the 16 year old girl who had dreams that were so outlandish they seemed like a fantasy. Perhaps they were. My now older self has lost sight of what made her...her. Where has she gone? How do I find her again? Through my writing? Of course that is always going to be a vital tool in my reaching search. I do think that time and space are needed as well.
It is very hard to think and work on self when the needs of daily life and family constantly call, and what mom and wife do you know who puts herself before her family? I don't know any...so if you find one please have her contact me as I would love to interview her. As a woman we often forget to take care of ourselves and keep that part of us alive that is the fire in our soul. This neglect results in loss. Loss of feeling fulfilled, loss of purpose, loss of who we are besides, someone's mom, someone's husband, or someone's anything else but our own happy, healthy self.
So it is on this warm September eve that I have decided that I do need to go find ...me. I know, I know, what you are thinking...OMG...she is talking about finding herself.....what a douche pickle. Maybe I am. I used to hear people say that and just nod and then roll my eyes after they turned away. It wasn't until many lived years and many things later that I began to understand why many people do this. No one does it in the same way. So in the days, weeks and months to come, I will talk about my plan and even whether or not it's feasible. You never know, things could look completely different down the road, but this is the beginning. The plan...day 1.
I want to end with this...these are my thoughts, feelings, and ramblings. I am in no way suggesting anyone do or think as I do, nor am I putting down moms and wives.( or people who go on their own finding themselves journeys) I will never regret my decision to be a wife and mother, but I also have a pulling need to be more.
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